Category Archives: beauty

All that I want……

All I want is to be free,

Free to be real,

Free to be honest,

And enough free,

To express me.

All I want is to listen,

Listen to my own voice.

Arranging those scattered words,

I want to write,

Write songs that define me.

All I want is to dance,

Dance on music,

That comes from the heart.

Dance in the rain,

That purifies my soul.

All I want is to be understood,

Unjudged and loved.

All I want is to be loved,

And love to the extent,

that fills me with blissful joy.


I made love with life….

Today when I opened my eyes,

I found myself drenched

By your love.

I still could feel the scent of

The fresh sweat of yours.

I still could hear your magical heart beat,

Creating melodious jingle.

I could feel myself getting

Purified by your holy kisses.

You have remained all over me.

I could feel every bit of you.

The way you made love with me,

Had Left me chaste.

I could find myself in the pristine form,

Covering myself with you

As the holy robe.

An Excerpt From Abhaya’s Diary…. 15th April 1997

I was really excited that day. It was my brother’s first day at school. Though it was for the very first time, my mother did not help me get ready, instead it was my father who helped me put on my uniform. I like it when my father does something for me. Before that day, I had never experienced my brother sharing a single bite of his food with me. But in order to save time my mother served breakfast on the same plate and without any complain, I offered my egg to him. And without any hesitation he returned ( contrary to his nature) back the egg. My father dropped us to school.
Throughout, I was very excited. I did all my schoolwork far more sincerely than other days. Whenever, I got a little time, I thought about the morning. It filled me with excitement. My mother always taught me to share food with my brother and friends. She always said that * from me that he would learn the pleasure of giving. But that never happened. I thought school could change everything. School is really the ideal place that could change anybody. From the very first day of his school my brother learned a lot. It was fun going to school together. We could always share the food happily. No fighting anymore. I was lost in my thoughts. As a result of which I took the wrong bus for home. I got aware of it just after a while when I saw that I couldn’t see the same roads anymore but  all I could see was water and only water through the window. Our township is situated near a big canal. I realized I was moving towards a different direction, Not towards my home but somewhere else. I called upon the conductor and asked him “where is the bus going?”
He informed me that it was going towards the permanent township.

I was not panicked a bit because that was where my uncle stayed. I knew the way to* his house. At least, I was not lost. I told him where my uncle stayed but he insisted me to take out my identification card and find out my address. I told him where I stayed. The senior students in the bus panicked but I laughed at their stupidity. After all, whole of this place belonged to me, at least I wouldn’t get lost, and my heart filled with joy as I contemplated the water. I had a feeling of unrestrained, unshackled freedom. But yes I did want to get back home. I knew my mother was waiting for me at the lunch table. The conductor checked my card, and found out that I was the daughter of their “Gate Pass Madam”. My mother was quite well-known in the township. It was her responsibility to issue Gate passes to the outsiders. She was working with the “Town Administration”. Oh! It is so hard to spell! Very often, I used ask my mother, what she actually did ?, but never got a satisfactory answer. I only knew that she issued gate passes, sometime discussed the problems of the laborers and workers with my father, and if someone committed theft or robberies then they were first brought to my mother and then handed over to the police. The last thought actually added a bit more to my relief. I knew the conductor  wouldn’t offer me  chocolates and candies and I won’t be taken away to any selfish giant’s cave. After all I am the daughter of their “Gate pass madam”. He said” Wait for a while, we won’t leave you here with any * uncle. The bus will take you back to your mother’s office”.
“She is not in the office right now”, I blurted. “She is at home. This is lunch time. Drop me at my uncle’s house and then I can make a call to her.”

My words were given no importance.

Right then, right there, the gardens and fountains, all the panoramic vistas that my baby eyes could fathom… This particular township was so much better than ours. I just wanted to make a call back home but never wanted to get back so early. This break of routine was really amazing for me. I wanted to see my cousins as well. But the bus driver and conductor were so stubborn.

On my way back home, once again I could see those “water, water everywhere” scenes through the window. They dropped me at the bus stop near my house. I saw my mother and aunt standing there. My mother grabbed me at once. I could make out that she had cried a lot but was now trying to hide her tears in front of me. My aunt was crying aloud. The conductor exclaimed that I was really brave and cooperative. I was taken home. I don’t know what it was, but something strange filled my heart. Somehow I was not able to face my mother’s tear. I had never seen her cry before. At night my favorite food was cooked.Now, I really felt like crying. I wanted to hug my mother and scream but something held me back. I managed to hide my tears but it was really hard. We all sat down together to cherish a “sweet family” dinner. Despite all the bit of adventure I had enjoyed, I could feel that I was glad that at last I was back, “back to home, sweet home”, back to the warmth and safety of my mother’s arms, to the place where I could now enjoy a serene night’s sleep. And I was happy, because I could feel that everyone else was happy, happy because I was back to them, happy because to them, food tasted so much better when I was at the table. I blinked a tear, a drop of my peace and joy and felt it drop on my plate where it glistened like the costliest jewel.


The wet street,
My wet emotions,
The cool breeze,
My frozen desires,
The thunder sound,
And my thrill,
A lazy day,
And an unfinished book,
A cup of coffee,
Some missing memories,
A drenched canvas,
And exaggerated colours,
A search for inspiration,
The scratches of my pen,

My Waits…………………..

Sweet moments and cosy cuddle,
Cute chat and loud laughter,
Long distance but close connection,
Your whisper and my deep breath,
Kisses and happiness,
Caresses of the soul,
My sweet pain.
My fantasies and your face,
Throbbing heart and long waits,
Expectations and rejections,
Your empathy and my hope,
Boundless tears and aching soul,
My shelter and your chest,
Deep sleep and my waits.

Beautiful moment I experienced ever..

I stormed out of my house
To quarrel with you.
But even before I could
See your face,
I found myself in your arms
Gently embraced.
Though I liked it
But still, I had to fight.
I maintained a good distance
And tried not to make a good exchange.
You asked me, what’s so wrong?
I answered that’s none of your concern.
Don’t ask silly questions
Of which you already knew answers.
Things started changing like magic
After that.
I got embraced by you forever,
The most beautiful moment I experienced ever.


Today after a long time,

While having tea,

In the little tea stall,

In front of my house.

The morning breeze,

Touched my face.

Swaying way all disgust I had.

I wish I could have,

Seized it for lifelong,

But I knew it’s impossible.

It’s the beauty of the summer breeze,

That it loves me with all compassion,

Freedom and gentleness.

I knew it would have never done the same,

If I would have able to seize it.

I too will love you back with Care, open-heartedness and free-will

Freeing myself from all selfish attachment and greed.

And I know that you would always love me back

And I continue seizing your love in my heart.

The Adventure Spirit

You are the changing endless sky,

A mountain of hope standing nearby.

You are the memory innocent and pure,

That heals the wounded heart and the only cure.

You are the song that flows like stream,

From the valleys to the ocean of dreams.

You are the emotion that runs fiercely like horse.

Sometime leaving me sad and morose.

But you are the shoulder that never let me weep,

The sacred place for my heart to keep.

Have You Felt The Same?

We are walking together
Through the crowded street
Both silent,
Finding words to speak.

I wonder,
It never happened
Before When I used to call you,
Just a good friend.

Though I know both of us
As a chatterer
But why aren’t we comprehending today?

When you asked me, “How are you?”
I replied,”Absolutely fine.”
In a usual happy tone.

I wish I could have said
How much I  missed you
When you were away.

Though I wanted to,
But didn’t hold your hand.

Now we have started talking,
About anything and everything around.
Even after that, a silence prevails between us.
Oh! I wanted to say so much to you but didn’t.

I wanted to hold you
But didn’t dare to.
Now the only question,
For which I really looking for an answer is that,

Have you felt the same?